The Weight of It All

“Health is not about the weight you lose, but the life you gain. ” Anonymous

“Damn it.” I thought as I looked down at the bag of Doritos I’d just finished. “I’m gonna have to eat only vegetables this entire weekend just to work this off.” I threw the bag down in disgust and walked to the kitchen. It’s funny how much I attached my quality of life to how much I weighed. If I were any bigger I’d never get married, I’d never travel the world, I’d never meet the man of my dreams. It’s funny since I weighed about 150 lbs at the time.

For years I have struggled with attaining what my idea of the perfect weight was. Each time I’d go grocery shopping I’d study the labels, I’d count the calories, I’d think of all the happiness I was missing out on because of my stomach. When did I become this person? When did I lose sight of myself?

My ex and I had only been living together for 4 months when the verbal and psychological abuse began. Before then I’d been in college, and with my lack of a full-time job, and thus a lack of money I hardly ate full meals, if any at all. After moving in, I had a lot more money and thus more food. I could snuggle up in bed and watch a movie while munching on some popcorn or grab some cereal. I was comfortable.

He was constantly away on work assignments so I was alone quite a bit. At first we’d talk almost every night and it was great. Soon, every night became every three nights, and this soon became every  week. He was slowly but surely telling me he had lost interest. I was devastated. In a last attempt to stir up some sort of feelings, I sent him, what I thought at the time, a very sexy picture of myself.

“Don’t you ever send me anything like that ever again. That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!”

Those words cut into me like a maniac with a dagger. If I told you I was hurt that would be a lie. I wasn’t hurt. A part of me died that day. That was the moment my struggle with weight, body anxiety, and overall lack of self esteem began. The last thing I remember of that night was staring at a knife laying on the counter-top until I cried myself to sleep.

A few weeks after the relationship ended, my mother and I ran into my ex’s mother and sister. I will never forget the look on my mother’s face as they laughed me to scorn. In their eyes I was a pig that had been fattened up by the butcher. I was the trash that had had been tossed out. I was less than human.

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It has taken me many years, lots of crying, and a breakthrough, but I have come to realize that true beauty lies beneath. I’ve also come to understand that size does not equal happiness. What really matters is that you are happy and healthy, and that you are living your life to the best of your ability.

Don’t let society tell you that smaller is better, or even that bigger is better. True happiness does not exist on a scale. True happiness exists in every moment that takes your breath away. It lies in the little things that make life worth living. True happiness depends on you.

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43 Comments Add yours

  1. Wonderful article. Awaiting for more awesome read further. Happy blogging 🙂

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    1. Thanks so much. I appreciate it

      Like

  2. Aliyah S says:

    I agree with… your happiness depends on you and you alone.

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  3. Kendra says:

    great read! I dealt with this too with my ex. We often become our best when we let go of the negativity that was holding us back. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Yes the best thing we can do is to brush ourselves off and become the you we were always meant to be

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  4. thislifeintrips says:

    Good on you for brushing past this. Shake it off Taylor Swift.

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    1. Thank you. Life is too short to waste it worrying about trivial stuff

      Like

  5. Amber says:

    Hello!
    I am a blogger over at Basically, Britain (basicallybritain.wordpress.com) and I have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award!
    The post with your nomination will be going live here in just a few minutes!
    I hope you choose to participate and accept!
    I have also subscribed to your blog! It’s great!

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    1. Hey! Wow! Thank you so much for the nomination. That’s amazing. I would love to participate. I will also follow your blog.

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    2. I just wanted to check. Do I create a separate post about the Sunshine Blog nomination?

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      1. Amber says:

        Yes, it is a separate post ☺️

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  6. littleverons says:

    Love your bravery and opening your heart to the world.. love your content.

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  7. Well said. I feel like I know you with your writing style.

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    1. Thank you. Let’s get to know each other more through sharing our writinf

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      1. Absolutely! I am reading through yours now

        Like

      2. I just got started on yours. I love your honest approach on topics

        Like

  8. yahoo2me says:

    Some people are not meant to be thin. They are supposed to be healthy and happy. As long as you lead an active life you should never feel guilty about eating.

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    1. It took me a very long time to figure that out but you are so right.

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  9. Denise Smith says:

    I thing word have the power to create, uplift and destroy and in your case they distroyed your confidence and self image, you look very good.

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    1. That’s so true but thank God we can grow from the mean things that people say about us

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  10. Sreekar says:

    Oh I have been there. Eating chips, giving up the next moment, eating veggies for two days and then again picking up those chips. Never easy to give up on the things that are not perfect for us. Pun intended!

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    1. It’s good to hear that there are many people who understand. You are beautiful just the way you are

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  11. Positive outlook; the last paragraph really resonates. Good vibes only 🙂

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  12. Oh my goodness…I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that. People can be so cruel sometimes!

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  13. Nisi Wanders says:

    Went through a lot of the same with me ex (of 28 years!) and I was depressed severely at one point. I am happy to have come to the point where I realize perfection is NOT a goal and that nobody else should ever have power to bring me down. Good for you for being so strong!

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    1. I’m so happy thay you’ve grown passed that point in your life. Keep getting better😊

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  14. First of all, I’m so glad you got away from that abusive a**hole. Good for you! Second of all I totally agree, as long as you are happy and healthy nothing else really mattes. Being happy is a the main component to health.

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  15. sirencalls13 says:

    This is a great and inspiring post. I truly appreciate this article. I’ve had my own weight issues throughout the years. But I realized that no real positives were coming from me being my own enemy instead of my best friend. Keep doing amazing work! 😀

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    1. I’m so happy to hear that you liked the post. I know the process can be hard but never give up on yourself. I hope you stick around😊

      Like

  16. Shevoneese says:

    Wow! Hats off to you girl. I would probably slap them in the face. I’m glad you are able to rise above this and move on with your life. People like that don’t understand the hurt and pain they caused but I bet when they see you all happy and unbothered that they’ll slither back into your life. Looking forward to more posts from you.

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    1. Oh trust me. He has tried many a times but I have closed that book and am never gonna open it again. O forgave him but that’s it

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  17. Sreekar says:

    You are absolutely. No one else can judge you. And no one should decide how you feel about yourself too!

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  18. raisinghumanbeans says:

    Are you kidding??? You are absolutely Gorgeous. And I can tell it is inside and out!!!

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words of support. That’s so sweet!

      Like

  19. Umesh says:

    why you are thinking about past! it was just a past, so many people have that type of past for various reason!! but due to that now you are more focused on each and every thing what you want to do,take it as positive you are beautiful dear..

    Like

    1. Thank you. I am less focused on my past and more on my future. For me, my past has many lessons to learn and I want to use them to help others.

      Like

  20. Abderrahmane says:

    Good article! You may also visit this http://www.dabox.cf

    Like

  21. LoneArt1st says:

    Hello, I’m Rafi Nandi and I would like to notify you that I just nominated you to receive Blogger Recognition Award. Congratulations!

    You can read more about your reward in this blog post: https://wp.me/p8SXRt-rQ

    Like

    1. Wow! That’s amazing. Thank you so much 😊😊

      Like

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